Journal Page Mania

It seems that my current state of unhappiness and discomfort over my length of unemployment have been good for me creatively. Over the last couple of weeks, I have been on a spree. Some pages are still very much in the beginning stages, and many are complete.

A crazy undulating mass of doodles.

This is only a background, but it was so pretty I knew I would mess it up somehow. So, I am keeping it just the way it is.

More colorful doodling.

This page is journaling, covered with patterned tissue paper, covered by paint and more journaling, then covered with gesso and Portfolio pastels. I got a lot of frustration out on this one.

The cover of my art journal. It is a nice small, manageable size. So manageable, in fact , that I only have a handful of pages left before I have completed this journal!

All of this frustration is also finally making me reach my melting point, so I started running on my mini-trampoline to get it out. Art journaling is just not enough. I find it amazing how many employers seem to treat me as un-hirable. Even in positions that I held for multiple years, ones I excelled in, ones that are entry level positions. When I actually do get feedback, I am told I did really well, but someone happened to have more experience or I am not qualified for the position. 13 years of clerical experience apparently means nothing if you have had a couple of bouts of bad luck. Anyway, I had a good cry this afternoon, put on some Tool, and pounded out my frustration and anger and everything on my mini trampoline. It will hopefully help me lose weight and the emotional load I am carrying. If people are using my weight as a reason not to hire me, I am going to do my best to take that away from them.

So, here's to getting through the rough patches with humor, integrity, and art. I got through this once (only a few years ago); I can do it again.

Art is helping me lose weight? I'll take that!

During the week I started art journaling, I lost more weight than I did in the last 2 months combined.  I have been at it! Art journaling...it is better than Jenny Craig! Maybe I will do a silly commercial when I fit into something sexy? Or not. I am not dieting or exercising, I just finally found something that occupies the obsessive part of my brain that was occupied by food for most of my life. I don't know if it will continue to do so when I get a job and I start getting back into a normal routine, but this is a jump start that I sorely need.

For much of my life, I have had disordered eating habits. due to insecurity about my weight, about my relationships, about my life, in general.  My wishy washy health hasn't been kind to me either. It is difficult to fix a healthy meal and clean up when in the middle of a migraine or when you feel like you have the flu, even when you do not. The frequency of my health problems have helped contribute to very unhealthy habits. I have had tons of therapy, so I am better able to manage a lot of my baggage and deal with the setbacks I will undoubtedly have when my health problems kick in, but I still have trouble sustaining any meaningful weight loss.  I kept reverting back to the binge eating and junk food.

I am conscious that this may not be something that continues to drive me in a way that distracts me from eating, but it is a start. If I can make it last at least a month, I have the chance at making this a habit. This seems to be the more pressing habit that will help me lose weight. In time, sooner rather than later, I will start exercising again. There is hope in my life again, a hope that is attached to real possibility.  When I hit 40 last year, I decided the theme of my 40s would be "Getting my shit together." It is actually happening, and I like it!