A portrait me at 18, before the weight of the world
and consequences of my actions came down on me. The nose is wrong, but
he made me look like a total goddess! |
This is the final day of the year. Over the past week, I have been doing a lot of thinking about what I want to get out of the coming year. I always use the time between Christmas and New Years to reflect. I decided to get real with myself this year. After I thought long and hard about the current state of my life, I came to one conclusion. All of the problems I have faced are ones that came about due to lack of action. I am an Olympic level procrastinator and avoider. When I have problems, be they real or imagined, I shut down and retreat. This is a learned behavior. I have had a very tumultuous life. Stressful relationships from family to romantic partners have lead me to beat a retreat away from everyone in hopes of peace. Stress is one of the biggest triggers for depression for me. Depression and I have our own sordid history that I do not want to repeat, so I stay vigilant that I am only briefly graced by its presence in my life.
I am tired of all of this dragging my feet and avoiding things. There are certain things I do have to try to avoid, as hard as that may be (perfumes and chemicals, at the top of that list), but I avoid things that are good for me and that is going to end. I fully intend to embrace acting on things this coming year. I will exercise and do things that will result in weight loss. I will get a job. If I am forced to take a job I don't really want, I will work towards getting one I do want. I will clean my apartment and brush my teeth and all that stuff that you may slip on, especially when you do not have to be anywhere or see anyone. Above all, I will take action and live up to my full creative potential. I will inject myself into a community that embraces my weirdness and encourages me artistically. I will embrace challenges and develop my skills properly. I will learn how to make something and market it so I can start taking steps toward living my dream of making a living at my art. I will become fully myself, as I should have been all along.
What are you inspired to do in 2013?
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